It's time to be brave.

When you watch your favourite superheroes, you can see one very defining trait - bravery, and that doesn't just resonate within their will to go and fight villains to protect the people, it's seen in other things too. For example, Black Widow telling Bruce Banner about her baroness. In the morning, when I'm on my way to work, I put on Biffy Clyro, and sing this lyric out loud all the time, 'don't you ever want to be brave? I guess that we feel the same way,' because at this point in my life, I have finally decided to do something brave.

I'm very much a creature of the mould. If everyone else is moving up in the world I feel I have to be too. In September of this year, I got a job as a cover teacher in a secondary school. Although, for the money I get and the hours I work, the job is great, it has broken my relationship and stressed me out. I don't look forward to work everyday for one reason - I don't want to be a teacher. I never wanted to be, but I took the job because it was what was deemed a 'proper' job. One with a salary. One that I could work up in a do for the rest of my life. I say again: I DON'T WANT TO BE A TEACHER. Lately, I have been applying to do teacher training next year, just so I can have a job next year, as my contract only lasts until next July. I applied, I paid to send the application off, and received several interview offers. This was when it hit me. I don't want to go to the interviews! I don't even like being a cover teacher! Why the hell am I paying to train to be a proper one?!

So, I've decided to be brave. I cancelled the interviews. I emailed the schools saying I wasn't going to attend. I told them I was going another way with my career, and honestly, despite having no job for after next July, I've never been happier or more positive about the future. I spend my evenings now looking for work experience so I can apply to train as a journalist, which is something I DO want to do! I feel I can save enough money by next year to travel for 6 months, which is something I planned to do but didn't because I was so set on getting a job everyone around me felt was good enough. I realised I had to stop comparing myself to everyone else around me.

Everyone I've spoken to about the teacher training has told me not to do it, because I don't have a passion for it. A woman at the school I work in doing it, has told me to pursue my passion. She said she didn't go to uni until she was 21, and now she's 26 and still doing her training. She said that thanks to my year working in a school, I could apply to do my training whenever I wanted. I'm 22 years old. What am I rushing for?

It is the first time in a while I've felt this positive. When I was pursuing something I didn't want to do I felt trapped. I realised that it would be okay, and this kind of bravery and passion is what is needed to do what you really want to do in life. I don't really know what the point of this post was. I think I wanted to let everyone out there in my situation know, that you're still young, and there's a lot of opportunity out there for you. Life is too short to do something you don't want to do. You have to be happy. Otherwise, what's the point? I don't have time for teacher training, when I could be doing so much more. So here's to being brave! Here's to putting your time into yourself. Here's to giving up the money and the job that makes you seem like you have your life together, to work towards something that doesn't make you cry at night.

Be brave.

Niff xx

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Tis the Season...

It's nearly Christmas time, and I for one know what that means to me. It means everything in my house must be red and green, and if it doesn't smell like cinnamon or winter vanilla, I'm leaving. My entire wardrobe gets an overhaul, and the first thing I buy is a new coat.

Tis the season to be glitzy.

I've always been more of a Alexandra Wang/Rick Owens .... okay, Allsaints or look alikes from Primani kind of girl. I like black on white on black. I think it's sexy and so easy to be stylish that way, however, during winter time, I love big fat jumpers. Does that mean the black is turned to beige and burgandy? Maybe sometimes, but really I think Christmas is all about sparkles. Feeling good in winter time starts with your outfit (a quote from Vogue I firmly believe). This season we turned around and said 'I'd like some boldness please!', and we decided to look back into the 70's to do so. We're talking sequins, colour and faux fur. What do you do when you're a 22 year old girl, born in the early 90's, and your only memory of fashion as a child was tracksuits? Your turn to your mother of course! My mother has more clothes than me, and definitely more shoes. Luckily I do have access to a pretty clutch bag if I wanted it.

Pictures from 'a secret History' - a Vogue Promotion. Sequin dress, £39.99. Top, £7.99.

Stella McCartney Fall 2015

I recently bought a body chain from River Island, I paid £10 for it, and thought it instantly gave my LBD an on-trend twist. Body chains are really more of a Summer thing, right? Well who says? Because I dress like it's 100 degrees outside on a night out anyway and then complain when I've got a bad cold two days later.

Zoë Kravitz for Flaunt Magazine by Zackery MichaelDisclaimer: I don't recommend wearing this on a night out in Birmingham city centre...

 “Body chains are an edgy way to decorate your outfit,” says Vogue.com Accessories Editor Brooke Danielson. “From delicate chains to statement pieces, this is the accessory to try this season to spruce up a little cocktail dress. The key is to pay attention to the fit of your clothing and make sure that the silhouette complements the style of your body chain.”

If like me you're trying to add some colour to your wardrobe this winter, but you're perhaps not about wearing a sequinned top that will leave you itching, you can't really go wrong with these colour alternatives to black: camel, cream, white, grey....and I still really like burgundy. Also, if you're struggling to make a statement and impress the boss at your work Christmas due, (which you've probably already had at the start of November because every place is fully booked from December 1st onwards), you can't go wrong with a sexy red or a sultry blue. 

Trench coats are all the rage right now, and this grey one found on Everlane.com has set me on my journey to find one in a similar colour.  
Babaton Nathaniel sweater, $85, aritzia.com; Everlane wool trench, $250,everlane.com; Eberjey cozy rib-stretch modal-blend pants, $75, eberjey.com; Gianvito Rossi rolling suede ankle boots, $876, matchesfashion.com; Rag & Bone Izabella lace skirt, $595, otteny.com

Tis the season to be feasting.

I recently started going to the gym at least 3 times a week and eating a little healthier. I always tend to lose weight in the winter time, which yes, is completely backwards because we should be adding some insulation to our bodies, but I'm happier to move more in the cold rather than in the warmth. However, should I have a night of indulgence this time of year, it's nothing to be upset about. It is that time of year. The Christmas market is in town, which calls for Frankfurters, gingerbread, beer and mulled blueberry wine and cider, the family and friends often round snuggling by the fire and drinking endless amounts of hot chocolate, and then....there's Christmas dinner. Turkey, pigs in blankets, roast potatoes, parsnips...and that's after a tube of Smarties and two of the chocolates from your selection box. 

If you are looking for a good place to eat out this Christmas time, you may face some difficulty, as many places are full to the brim with rosy cheeked business men and women. Luckily, my birthday falls close to Christmas time (many happy returns), and I often have to sift through the restaurants to make a reservation in order to celebrate. Last year me and my friends went to Cote, a restaurant in the Mailbox, Birmingham. They take their inspiration from the best bistros in Paris. I had pate for starter and chicken for the main. It was delicious, reasonably priced and the atmosphere was lovely. 

If you're trying to avoid town centres, and happier to cook at home, there are tons are recipes to try out online. Particularly, one's to try if you're trying not to pile on the pounds this Christmas (though if you do - who cares? It's the season to be jolly after all). A great thing to do if you're looking for this, is to visit Pinterest and search what you're looking for. There are tons of ideas. 

http://thissillygirlslife.com/2014/11/20-gorgeous-christmas-cupcakes/

Tis the season to be sexy.

It's that time of year where the sexiest of sexy walk the runway, clad in the prettiest little bras and knickers, their legs stretching into next century. I'm talking of course about the Victoria's Secret fashion show. I like that they show it around this time of year, because it reminds me that even though it's winter, I shouldn't let myself feel any less sexy. Cute, matching underwear always makes me feel like a goddess, and I am trying to push some time aside to take a trip down to Boux Avenue.

As much as I love Victoria's Secret, they do not do my bra size (the sad face emoji doesn't quite do my feelings about this justice). I have found solace in Boux avenue, who go up to larger sizes, such as mine. Not only this, but they also do other cute little nik-naks to help you through the winter blues (see the next section). Let's go back to the cliche here and say, winter = red underwear. 

Gwyneth gem set - Bouxavenue.com

Sexy underwear is not just meant for men, it's meant for yourself. Always feel sexy when it calls for it, but remember comfort too. Get yourself measured and buy underwear that fits. Not only will you feel good on the inside, but on the outside too. 

Tis the season to be cosy.

This section could just as easily read 'tis the season to wear a onesie.' Yes, it's time to dive into the back of your wardrobe and pull out that old kitty onesie and your Snuggie. You're no doubt going to be spending 99% of the time in your onesie, so try and pick the best one. I have one that's made entirely from fleece, and it is absolutely lovely to wear on the colder nights. 

Cheetah onesie - http://www.bouxavenue.com/cheetah-onesie-brown-mix/201520-90cx

www.victoriassecret.com

Cosy pajamas aren't the most important thing, the atmosphere of your home is too. Like I said earlier, the shops are full of lovely little nik-naks to by for your home. I've recently bought some lovely scented candles, cinnamon and Christmas spice scented, and it really brings the feeling of Christmas home, which is something that makes everyone happy. My cat is constantly curled up by the fire and there's always hot chocolate or cups of tea on the go. I came across a fun thing to do with friends, which was to make hot chocolate using a slow cooker. 

http://www.sugarrushedblog.com/2015/11/hot-chocolate-station.html

Last year, me and my friends added Disaronno to hot chocolate, if you fancy something a but more jolly, you can also try adding Baileys. It tastes equally as good. 

When we decorate our home for Christmas, we like to keep things very traditional. The Christmas tree is decorated with gold, red and green, nothing else, and the house has bits of red decor dotted about. There's often big red bows going up the stairs and stockings hanging by the window. My mother is always buying new things. 

Candles - Boux Avenue. Teddy bear - Boux Avenue. Pajama set and sleep mask - Victoria's Secret. Roasted Chestnut candle - John Lewis. Vintage Style Cocktail case - Harvey Nicholls. Don't forget the pets this xmas either! I've got my kitty a christmas stocking complete with treats and toys. 

Tis the season to be giving.

I've been really struggling for gift ideas this year. Last year I was really on top of things, whereas this year I'm completely clueless. I only have to buy for my mom, dad and brother, but even that is hard when you want to do something perfect. I've decided to take to the internet to find some of the best last minute gift ideas, for those moments where you're really in a pinch.

DIY kits - thediymommy.com

An art kit or stationary sets are great ideas for children or teachers. 

A Jack Daniels inspired Xmas Tree - great for any party goer. - hercampus.com

For your friends/aunties/mothers, try putting together a basket of  toiletries - boholoco.com

Of course, you can never go wrong with make up or jewellery, or a stylish watch for dad, these ideas are just for consideration if you're struggling. DIY gifts are always very greatly appreciated. 

Remember to keep warm this Christmas time. Until the last week, our winter nights have been rather balmy, which has given you plenty of time to figure out the best ways to beat the winter blues. Hope you all have a lovely xmas! 

Niff xx.

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ME-diocre.

Today, whilst trying my best to sort out my Itunes (I have a new laptop and had to transfer all my songs over - nightmare), I came across a bunch of videos I thought had been lost forever. In 2009, after watching an episode of Cowboy Bebop at 5am, I decided that I wanted to document my life. I wanted to record everything, even the little things, like waiting at the train station with my friends, and so I did - much to my friends' dismay. When I found them today, I couldn't stop my hand from clasping itself over my mouth. I couldn't stop a tear in my eye. I know it was only 6 years ago, but looking at the simplicity of our days, how happy we seemed to be, and how much everything has changed since then was kind of overwhelming.

I remember back then how often I'd feel horrible about myself, yet in these videos, I saw myself as only a happy young girl, with many friends, who had fun and went out all the time. I didn't mind being on camera. Now, I hate pictures that I don't take of myself, and videos are a huge no. I am really glad I found those videos. It reminded me of how fast life goes, and to take advantage of it, and not care about the stupid details, like how I look in a photo.

Seeing things like that, made me realise how little I've taken advantage of opportunities because of how I felt my image came across. I've avoided many social situations because of my horrible need to impress people, as if other peoples' opinions somehow correlate to my worth. I haven't documented some amazing moments of my life on camera because I've been too concerned about how I'll look in the pictures. At what point did we stop wanting to be on camera? What day was it that we went from excited little kids, willing to dance and sing on camera, to shy people, scared to watch a video back because we'd know our eyes would go straight to our slightly bulging hips, or the spot on our chin, or that one straying hair we were sure was perfect before we left. We compare ourselves to others so often, that our own idea of perfect is skewed. Now we hate looking at pictures. No matter how big the mountain you've climbed, or how far the marathon you've run.

'No don't take a picture of me, I look awful.'

However, that's going on to a different subject. Right now I'm having a personal dilemma. I am feeling too mediocre. Recently, I've gotten myself a salaried job as a cover teacher. I always told myself I wouldn't. I don't want to be a teacher. I'm not a big fan of children or teenagers. On my first day, I had a slight anxiety attack after looking in the mirror. I was dressed in business clothes. A pencil skirt and shirt with a blazer. It felt too real, like I was too grown up. I am only 22, and I have been wondering lately why I am doing something I don't want to do just so I can earn a decent wage and look, to others (and this is reflecting an earlier point) like I was doing well for myself.

Since reaching my 20's, my dream has been to travel the world, meet new people, see new things and be adventurous. I want to make more videos about my life, but right now I have anything to make videos about. My 6am trains to New Street station by myself? Sitting in the staff room reading lesson plans? Walking round a classroom checking on a teenagers RE work? I don't want to see that again in the future. I don't want to remember how I forgot to follow my dream. I am scared that one day I'll wake up and I'll be in my late 30's, I'll have gone no where, and I'll be working 9-5 in a boring job just so I can pay my bills and maybe go on a holiday to Spain once a year.

What is stopping any of us from walking out of the jobs we hate and pursuing what we want to do? Who is it that's making me stay in a job I don't want? What's making me say 'yeah...maybe' when my boyfriend talks about moving out and getting pets and going on holiday now and again, instead of 'no...no I need to save my money so I can travel around and learn new things, I don't want to move out now. I'm too young. It's too early.' It is my, and others', stupid need to please other people. Please our families, please our friends, please the strangers that were once our friends at school - the ones we haven't spoken to in years. Social media makes it hard. It's hard travelling to work everyday and then going on to twitter and seeing Joe Bloggs from college tweet, '... just accepted my article!', or 'off to travel round Korea for the next 3 months! Bon Voyage.' It's what I want to do...but for some reason I don't. For some reason I haven't yet. Just like how I still haven't learned Japanese, I have learned how to pole dance, I haven't joined a boxing class - all the things I said I was going to do, and still haven't.

This blog entry has really been a rant about how unsatisfied I am with myself. I guess, this time last year, I was climbing a mountain, and now I'm not. I am capable of great things, we are all capable of great things, yet we are fearful of something and I'm not quite sure what it is. I always thought I was fearless. I've been itching to climb mount Everest at some point in my life, but I guess putting yourself in a dangerous situation does not equal fearlessness. Maybe I just need more time, time to get myself back on the road I've been meaning to walk down. I don't believe in luck, and if I did I'd believe that I have none of it, you have to work hard to get where you want to go. Maybe that's my fear. Maybe I'm scared it may all be for nothing, but maybe that's the chance I have to take.

x

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Disordered.

When I was thirteen, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, which to this day I still believe to be bull. I lost weight, but not in an unreasonable amount of time, and not due to starvation, but due to upping my diet and exercise. Yes, I did keep food diaries, but isn't that recommended to people on the diet wagon? I never ate above 1500 calories, but I never went below 1000. Isn't that usually recommended to people on the diet wagon? I got to a size 00, or a UK size 2, which people would see as too thin and underweight, but I did not have to be particularly forced into eating again, and for my 5 ft 2 frame, it didn't look particularly sick. Is it really that possible to get over an eating disorder that quickly? No, it isn't. So, did I really have one, or was it just people saying that thin must equal anorexic, and too fat must equal someone who can't control themselves?

People look at me now and wouldn't even think twice about me having an eating disorder. I look average. I am average. However, I would say I have had considerably more disordered eating since I apparently 'recovered'. It is only in the years since then and now that I found myself trudging through reams of Felice Fawn pictures and thinspo, creating food blogs and ana/mia support groups (which is something I am now disgusted with myself about). I gained weight, a lot of it, and not through careful weight gain, but through binge eating. I binge ate and gained weight to the point of crippling depression. I quit the sports I loved doing and my self-confidence dropped significantly, and 8 years later, I am still told that I have confidence issues and should believe in myself more. I had bouts of bulimia, and was constantly trying to diet. It has been nearly ten years since I recovered from my apparent eating disorder, and I do not remember the last time I didn't give a thought to what I was eating, to whether the days intake would make me gain weight or lose weight, to what exercise I would do. I don't remember that last time I woke up in the morning, scared that I would binge eat again.

Because I was told I was anorexic, then because I was told I was fat, and then too thin, and dieting too much, and eating too much, I have become nothing but not myself, and all I notice in others is how they look, and how that seems to affect them. Looks mean everything to me, and to me, they are all thats important to everyone else too. I put my failures in life down to the way I look. I didn't get that job because they thought I was too fat. I don't get as much interest as my friends because I'm ugly. That person won't be friends with me because they think I'm unattractive. It's an incredibly toxic way of thinking. I never give anyone a chance to get to know me, because my self-doubt gets in the way.

People say you'll never be beautiful until you yourself believe that you are, but I, and I know a lot of you will probably feel that same way, think that it's pretty impossible to believe it nowadays. It's true, more and more big men and women such as Rebel Wilson, who was recently on the cover of Elle, and James Corden, are being thrust into the lime light, but they are few and far between, and to me it doesn't really make a difference, because I've grown up in a world where looks seem to mean everything, and fat often means unattractive. It's an irrational way of thinking, I know, but I have noticed that I am treated better when I am thinner, and maybe it is a confidence thing, but I truly feel that people in better shape get better treatment.

My boyfriend always tells me I'm beautiful, but the multiplicity of the statement makes it redundant. My mother always tells me stories of her friends at work telling her that they think I'm pretty, but they've only seen photos I take of myself, as the photos others take of me make me depressed for days, which seems to be true for most people, and it is sad.

Lately, life seems to be taking a turn for the gym, and I have been looking into the past. If my simple, not aggressive or unhealthy, dieting meant that I had an eating disorder, then I am confused by what I see around me everyday. I look around and notice that everyone seems to have disordered eating. People are obsessed with food, in a way that they think is healthy when, in my opinion, it's not at all. Throwing egg yolks in the bin because 'there's too much fat', is not something that I consider to be something normal, and I am bothered by the waste of food, as I'm sure my mother is - being the one who buys them. Talking about it to other people makes these food obsessed people uncharacteristically laborious to talk to, and completely bromidic. If food is all you can talk about, how can you not see how this is disordered? I've voiced my informed and genuinely interested opinion on this matter before, and was met with viscous backlash, and compellingly, not from people who stay fit and healthy off the bat, and do not feel the need to constantly talk about it, but by the obsessed. What I truly abhor, and this is down to living with a brother who has verbally attacked me because I've eaten his chicken, is how they preach as if my lifestyle is wrong. As if I'm insecure and unhealthy. I find it completely surreal. I've been sworn at and made fun of because I don't care about the protein content of yoghurt, and I've been accused of 'making fun' of these so called healthy eaters, and being unhappy with myself. Truly, I am not making fun, I am more interested in this new phenomenon, and living with one of these people has caused me to become irritated. My boyfriend refuses to eat chocolate or a burger two days in a row. My brother throws away egg yolks and secretly eats junk food when we're out the house. My friends are constantly on diets. There's always someone on Instagram trying a juice diet. People post pictures of themselves at the gym and talk about what they've eaten in the day, which is exactly the thing I did when I was diagnosed with disordered eating. People are agitated when they miss a workout. They have 'cheat days', as if eating is a game with a prize at the end. Meghan Trainor has been quoted as saying she 'wasn't strong enough' to have an eating disorder, and has even made a living out of writing songs about eating and body image. Why is this so important to us? Why does the Fabletics advert say we only dance 'to burn calories'? Does no one dance for fun anymore? Is it all for image? Even the people I know who never really give a damn and just want to travel and explore and live their lives have squabbles with their diets.

I don't really have a point to all of this, I just find it odd how things have turned out, and how my eating habits actually worsened due to 'recovery'. I cannot lose weight without starving myself. I eat too much or too little, I can never find a grey spot. At the end of the day, I believe it took all this diet obsession to make me realise how moot the whole endeavor is, and that there is much more to life. People will always have their opinions, and this is mine.  

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My First Valentines Day?!

My mom always told me 'your turn will come', and I never really understood it. I didn't know why i had to have a turn. I didn't know the whole attraction thing was a game. I guess life is a game and this is just one of those extra levels you unlock.

By 17 I was pretty much done waiting for my own turn and picked up the bat and swung. Unfortunately, the bat turned out to be an axe. Of course, I had had crushes before, in fact, back then I thought I had the same crush for several years. Still in spite of them I always disregarded love and relationships. I never wanted to take them on. I pretended to myself that I was all about the bigger things. I'd often say that I 'wouldn't know what a crush was if I had one', when the truth was I probably couldn't count my crushes on one hand, and I say probably because I can't actually tell.

What are the tell tale signs of a crush? Elivated heart rate? Inability to speak? SULA's? What if you're just socially inept, like me? I am a straight girl, and I find myself feeling these feelings when I'm talking to other girls. I'm just socially awkward. So when I find myself standing in front of a guy, stuttering or rambling about One Piece or Dragonball Z, it does not always mean I have a crush, it could just mean either i: I feel awkward, or ii: I'm drunk (this is tried and tested, I once talked about DBZ for a long time with a guy my friend was meant to meet up with - he's now her boyfriend...just saying.)

There's that age old question - Do I like this guy or do I just like the attention I receiving from him? Now, I'm not saying liking the attention is a bad thing. I've grown up with exceptionally (but unacceptable) low self-esteem. I've had people bully me and throw rocks at me, all whilst they shouted 'don't hit the fit one' as my 'friend' walked beside me feeling nothing but air on her back. I won't lie to you, when men give me attention now, I revel in it. I have to be careful though, because the last thing I want to do is lead a man on. That is unfair, of course. However, many times, friends of mine have mistaken my friendship for me wanting something more, and have stopped talking to me when I have requested platonic relationships. I do not like losing friends like that, and of course, no woman owes any man anything sexually, and vice versa. All this madness left me confused and angry over relationships. Do I want one or do I not want the hassle? Kinda want kisses for breakfast, kinda don't want to give anyone the power to hurt me.

When I was around 18, my axe swung towards casual sex (excuse the rather vulgar pun). Any psychologist could tell you that promiscuity is an attempt to try and validate ones self, to feel a sense of freedom. I never felt this way. It always made me cringe afterwards, knowing that a stranger had seen me naked and heard the noises I made without knowing so much as my second name. Eventually, I found someone who I felt comfortable with - a friend with benefits. This is where things got complicated. This guy had a girlfriend when I first met him, a girlfriend he didn't tell me about. By the time I had left university and moved back home, he got into a relationship again, with the same girl. It was in 2014 that I found my own boyfriend, and was asked by my ex FWB if I wanted to meet for sex again. Is love really that dead? I've never understood how anyone could proclaim their love for another person when they don't mean it. Whats the point? The FWB told me that he's happy relationship wise, but he's 'addicted to sex'. Surely, there are better ways to handle this that doesn't involve hurting another persons feelings.

With Fifty Shades of Gray coming out soon, I thought it kind of appropriate to talk about sex and relationships. I myself have a degree in English literature, and so refused to pick up the book, but there are many reasons I could give as to why it seems abusive. In 2013, my trust in men went downwards, when a guy, who I knew had a crush on me (he had drunkenly professed his love for me several times to the point of crying and getting angry), did something vile to me while I was asleep after a night out with the house. Could there be that much of a difference between love and obsession? When will the justice system recognise it clearly? This snippet from an article I read explains it clearly. It happens a lot, yet a lot of girls never report it because they feel they won't be believed. They feel in danger of humiliation.

So my mother told me my time would come, and it has. I am in a relationship now with someone I trust. Love is a battlefield, so much is it so, that I find myself writing about it, now, at 22, which is something I never thought I'd do. Opportunities often come with canon fire, which I guess is why I took the plunge into a relationship, and I am enjoying it. A lot of people think all those romantic movies and love scenes are bullshit, I know, I'm one of them. Then why is it, that when we feel at our lowest and loneliest, that we watch them and feel out live resonate with the character crying in the rain, so lost in love?

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Tangled.

I once watched an episode of Sex and the City in which Carrie questioned whether all women just want to be saved. Saved from anything undesirable going on in their lives, and whether that's the secret to love. During my 10am showers, I find myself thinking about love and having silly little fantasies about it, and quite often they used to involve myself being saved, in a number of ways, but mostly it had some kind of superhero theme. I'd be kidnapped or attacked and I'd be saved, but not by a man in a lycra suit, but by a bad boy, a boy that would be there for me and ONLY me. How ridiculous. Twilight syndrome.

Since becoming a Tumblr user (/addict), I've found those 'help me I'm hopeless' fantasies changing into 'bitch, I can save myself' fantasies. My superhero boy turned into an evil villain that I had to defeat, which is still ridiculous at the end of the day. I identify as a feminist (as everyone should) and I believe men and women should always help each other, but since becoming one with myself, and embracing myself as female, I find a healthier state of mind in being powerful in the silly stories I make up in my head. I do not need to be saved by anyone else, I decided, because I am my own problems, and I can solve my own problems with hard work in time.

Truthfully, the SATC episode made me feel a little resilient towards the words 'need to be saved'. Why do I need a man in order to feel safe? Why does it have to be falling in love that saves us? I believe that being single is not a crime, and looking after oneself isn't either. I am badgered by people who look at self assured women, women who are happy with themselves and flaunt themselves, and they call them vain or slutty, as if a woman being happy with herself is scary and wrong. Life is hard enough without being made to feel inferior to anyone. People will never stop judging, so it's better to just admire and believe in yourself. Of course, I am being a hypocrite here. I'm preaching about being happy and supportive of yourself when I myself have crippling self doubt and believe I can't get anywhere because of who I am. I have grown over time, I used to think looks were everything, and something as ridiculous as being overweight was holding me back. Everyone has confidence issues and it's hard to psychoanalyse life, but if you celebrate yourself and go for the things you want and need for yourself, then you can be your own superhero.

I guess everyone wants to be saved. Saved from themselves or from others. That's why everyone has those falling in love fantasies, but don't we also have those 'being a badass bitch' fantasies? I know I do. Who doesn't want someone to swing in and catch them when they're falling? It seems like the easier option, but in the end, it doesn't work that way. Take a note from Bridesmaids. If you're not happy with yourself, no one else will make you happy. I'm not saying you're alone, but you have to realise that you are pivotal in your own improvement.

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Welcome to my blog!

Hello and welcome to my blog, aka, my (possibly drunken) ramblings and rants about my life. As a girl who feels like she has had her teenage years stolen from her, and who recognises the real world as some kind of constant glass barrier, I for one need a place to write some shit down. So here I go, and all that jive.

Disclaimer: I apologise for any bad language or spelling...do you know how hard it is to type on a macbook? I miss my laptop.

Niff x

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