Today, whilst trying my best to sort out my Itunes (I have a new laptop and had to transfer all my songs over - nightmare), I came across a bunch of videos I thought had been lost forever. In 2009, after watching an episode of Cowboy Bebop at 5am, I decided that I wanted to document my life. I wanted to record everything, even the little things, like waiting at the train station with my friends, and so I did - much to my friends' dismay. When I found them today, I couldn't stop my hand from clasping itself over my mouth. I couldn't stop a tear in my eye. I know it was only 6 years ago, but looking at the simplicity of our days, how happy we seemed to be, and how much everything has changed since then was kind of overwhelming.
I remember back then how often I'd feel horrible about myself, yet in these videos, I saw myself as only a happy young girl, with many friends, who had fun and went out all the time. I didn't mind being on camera. Now, I hate pictures that I don't take of myself, and videos are a huge no. I am really glad I found those videos. It reminded me of how fast life goes, and to take advantage of it, and not care about the stupid details, like how I look in a photo.
Seeing things like that, made me realise how little I've taken advantage of opportunities because of how I felt my image came across. I've avoided many social situations because of my horrible need to impress people, as if other peoples' opinions somehow correlate to my worth. I haven't documented some amazing moments of my life on camera because I've been too concerned about how I'll look in the pictures. At what point did we stop wanting to be on camera? What day was it that we went from excited little kids, willing to dance and sing on camera, to shy people, scared to watch a video back because we'd know our eyes would go straight to our slightly bulging hips, or the spot on our chin, or that one straying hair we were sure was perfect before we left. We compare ourselves to others so often, that our own idea of perfect is skewed. Now we hate looking at pictures. No matter how big the mountain you've climbed, or how far the marathon you've run.
'No don't take a picture of me, I look awful.'
However, that's going on to a different subject. Right now I'm having a personal dilemma. I am feeling too mediocre. Recently, I've gotten myself a salaried job as a cover teacher. I always told myself I wouldn't. I don't want to be a teacher. I'm not a big fan of children or teenagers. On my first day, I had a slight anxiety attack after looking in the mirror. I was dressed in business clothes. A pencil skirt and shirt with a blazer. It felt too real, like I was too grown up. I am only 22, and I have been wondering lately why I am doing something I don't want to do just so I can earn a decent wage and look, to others (and this is reflecting an earlier point) like I was doing well for myself.
Since reaching my 20's, my dream has been to travel the world, meet new people, see new things and be adventurous. I want to make more videos about my life, but right now I have anything to make videos about. My 6am trains to New Street station by myself? Sitting in the staff room reading lesson plans? Walking round a classroom checking on a teenagers RE work? I don't want to see that again in the future. I don't want to remember how I forgot to follow my dream. I am scared that one day I'll wake up and I'll be in my late 30's, I'll have gone no where, and I'll be working 9-5 in a boring job just so I can pay my bills and maybe go on a holiday to Spain once a year.
What is stopping any of us from walking out of the jobs we hate and pursuing what we want to do? Who is it that's making me stay in a job I don't want? What's making me say 'yeah...maybe' when my boyfriend talks about moving out and getting pets and going on holiday now and again, instead of 'no...no I need to save my money so I can travel around and learn new things, I don't want to move out now. I'm too young. It's too early.' It is my, and others', stupid need to please other people. Please our families, please our friends, please the strangers that were once our friends at school - the ones we haven't spoken to in years. Social media makes it hard. It's hard travelling to work everyday and then going on to twitter and seeing Joe Bloggs from college tweet, '... just accepted my article!', or 'off to travel round Korea for the next 3 months! Bon Voyage.' It's what I want to do...but for some reason I don't. For some reason I haven't yet. Just like how I still haven't learned Japanese, I have learned how to pole dance, I haven't joined a boxing class - all the things I said I was going to do, and still haven't.
This blog entry has really been a rant about how unsatisfied I am with myself. I guess, this time last year, I was climbing a mountain, and now I'm not. I am capable of great things, we are all capable of great things, yet we are fearful of something and I'm not quite sure what it is. I always thought I was fearless. I've been itching to climb mount Everest at some point in my life, but I guess putting yourself in a dangerous situation does not equal fearlessness. Maybe I just need more time, time to get myself back on the road I've been meaning to walk down. I don't believe in luck, and if I did I'd believe that I have none of it, you have to work hard to get where you want to go. Maybe that's my fear. Maybe I'm scared it may all be for nothing, but maybe that's the chance I have to take.
x
I remember back then how often I'd feel horrible about myself, yet in these videos, I saw myself as only a happy young girl, with many friends, who had fun and went out all the time. I didn't mind being on camera. Now, I hate pictures that I don't take of myself, and videos are a huge no. I am really glad I found those videos. It reminded me of how fast life goes, and to take advantage of it, and not care about the stupid details, like how I look in a photo.
Seeing things like that, made me realise how little I've taken advantage of opportunities because of how I felt my image came across. I've avoided many social situations because of my horrible need to impress people, as if other peoples' opinions somehow correlate to my worth. I haven't documented some amazing moments of my life on camera because I've been too concerned about how I'll look in the pictures. At what point did we stop wanting to be on camera? What day was it that we went from excited little kids, willing to dance and sing on camera, to shy people, scared to watch a video back because we'd know our eyes would go straight to our slightly bulging hips, or the spot on our chin, or that one straying hair we were sure was perfect before we left. We compare ourselves to others so often, that our own idea of perfect is skewed. Now we hate looking at pictures. No matter how big the mountain you've climbed, or how far the marathon you've run.
'No don't take a picture of me, I look awful.'
However, that's going on to a different subject. Right now I'm having a personal dilemma. I am feeling too mediocre. Recently, I've gotten myself a salaried job as a cover teacher. I always told myself I wouldn't. I don't want to be a teacher. I'm not a big fan of children or teenagers. On my first day, I had a slight anxiety attack after looking in the mirror. I was dressed in business clothes. A pencil skirt and shirt with a blazer. It felt too real, like I was too grown up. I am only 22, and I have been wondering lately why I am doing something I don't want to do just so I can earn a decent wage and look, to others (and this is reflecting an earlier point) like I was doing well for myself.
Since reaching my 20's, my dream has been to travel the world, meet new people, see new things and be adventurous. I want to make more videos about my life, but right now I have anything to make videos about. My 6am trains to New Street station by myself? Sitting in the staff room reading lesson plans? Walking round a classroom checking on a teenagers RE work? I don't want to see that again in the future. I don't want to remember how I forgot to follow my dream. I am scared that one day I'll wake up and I'll be in my late 30's, I'll have gone no where, and I'll be working 9-5 in a boring job just so I can pay my bills and maybe go on a holiday to Spain once a year.
What is stopping any of us from walking out of the jobs we hate and pursuing what we want to do? Who is it that's making me stay in a job I don't want? What's making me say 'yeah...maybe' when my boyfriend talks about moving out and getting pets and going on holiday now and again, instead of 'no...no I need to save my money so I can travel around and learn new things, I don't want to move out now. I'm too young. It's too early.' It is my, and others', stupid need to please other people. Please our families, please our friends, please the strangers that were once our friends at school - the ones we haven't spoken to in years. Social media makes it hard. It's hard travelling to work everyday and then going on to twitter and seeing Joe Bloggs from college tweet, '... just accepted my article!', or 'off to travel round Korea for the next 3 months! Bon Voyage.' It's what I want to do...but for some reason I don't. For some reason I haven't yet. Just like how I still haven't learned Japanese, I have learned how to pole dance, I haven't joined a boxing class - all the things I said I was going to do, and still haven't.
This blog entry has really been a rant about how unsatisfied I am with myself. I guess, this time last year, I was climbing a mountain, and now I'm not. I am capable of great things, we are all capable of great things, yet we are fearful of something and I'm not quite sure what it is. I always thought I was fearless. I've been itching to climb mount Everest at some point in my life, but I guess putting yourself in a dangerous situation does not equal fearlessness. Maybe I just need more time, time to get myself back on the road I've been meaning to walk down. I don't believe in luck, and if I did I'd believe that I have none of it, you have to work hard to get where you want to go. Maybe that's my fear. Maybe I'm scared it may all be for nothing, but maybe that's the chance I have to take.
x
