My mom always told me 'your turn will come', and I never really understood it. I didn't know why i had to have a turn. I didn't know the whole attraction thing was a game. I guess life is a game and this is just one of those extra levels you unlock.
By 17 I was pretty much done waiting for my own turn and picked up the bat and swung. Unfortunately, the bat turned out to be an axe. Of course, I had had crushes before, in fact, back then I thought I had the same crush for several years. Still in spite of them I always disregarded love and relationships. I never wanted to take them on. I pretended to myself that I was all about the bigger things. I'd often say that I 'wouldn't know what a crush was if I had one', when the truth was I probably couldn't count my crushes on one hand, and I say probably because I can't actually tell.
By 17 I was pretty much done waiting for my own turn and picked up the bat and swung. Unfortunately, the bat turned out to be an axe. Of course, I had had crushes before, in fact, back then I thought I had the same crush for several years. Still in spite of them I always disregarded love and relationships. I never wanted to take them on. I pretended to myself that I was all about the bigger things. I'd often say that I 'wouldn't know what a crush was if I had one', when the truth was I probably couldn't count my crushes on one hand, and I say probably because I can't actually tell.
What are the tell tale signs of a crush? Elivated heart rate? Inability to speak? SULA's? What if you're just socially inept, like me? I am a straight girl, and I find myself feeling these feelings when I'm talking to other girls. I'm just socially awkward. So when I find myself standing in front of a guy, stuttering or rambling about One Piece or Dragonball Z, it does not always mean I have a crush, it could just mean either i: I feel awkward, or ii: I'm drunk (this is tried and tested, I once talked about DBZ for a long time with a guy my friend was meant to meet up with - he's now her boyfriend...just saying.)
There's that age old question - Do I like this guy or do I just like the attention I receiving from him? Now, I'm not saying liking the attention is a bad thing. I've grown up with exceptionally (but unacceptable) low self-esteem. I've had people bully me and throw rocks at me, all whilst they shouted 'don't hit the fit one' as my 'friend' walked beside me feeling nothing but air on her back. I won't lie to you, when men give me attention now, I revel in it. I have to be careful though, because the last thing I want to do is lead a man on. That is unfair, of course. However, many times, friends of mine have mistaken my friendship for me wanting something more, and have stopped talking to me when I have requested platonic relationships. I do not like losing friends like that, and of course, no woman owes any man anything sexually, and vice versa. All this madness left me confused and angry over relationships. Do I want one or do I not want the hassle? Kinda want kisses for breakfast, kinda don't want to give anyone the power to hurt me.
When I was around 18, my axe swung towards casual sex (excuse the rather vulgar pun). Any psychologist could tell you that promiscuity is an attempt to try and validate ones self, to feel a sense of freedom. I never felt this way. It always made me cringe afterwards, knowing that a stranger had seen me naked and heard the noises I made without knowing so much as my second name. Eventually, I found someone who I felt comfortable with - a friend with benefits. This is where things got complicated. This guy had a girlfriend when I first met him, a girlfriend he didn't tell me about. By the time I had left university and moved back home, he got into a relationship again, with the same girl. It was in 2014 that I found my own boyfriend, and was asked by my ex FWB if I wanted to meet for sex again. Is love really that dead? I've never understood how anyone could proclaim their love for another person when they don't mean it. Whats the point? The FWB told me that he's happy relationship wise, but he's 'addicted to sex'. Surely, there are better ways to handle this that doesn't involve hurting another persons feelings.
With Fifty Shades of Gray coming out soon, I thought it kind of appropriate to talk about sex and relationships. I myself have a degree in English literature, and so refused to pick up the book, but there are many reasons I could give as to why it seems abusive. In 2013, my trust in men went downwards, when a guy, who I knew had a crush on me (he had drunkenly professed his love for me several times to the point of crying and getting angry), did something vile to me while I was asleep after a night out with the house. Could there be that much of a difference between love and obsession? When will the justice system recognise it clearly? This snippet from an article I read explains it clearly. It happens a lot, yet a lot of girls never report it because they feel they won't be believed. They feel in danger of humiliation.
So my mother told me my time would come, and it has. I am in a relationship now with someone I trust. Love is a battlefield, so much is it so, that I find myself writing about it, now, at 22, which is something I never thought I'd do. Opportunities often come with canon fire, which I guess is why I took the plunge into a relationship, and I am enjoying it. A lot of people think all those romantic movies and love scenes are bullshit, I know, I'm one of them. Then why is it, that when we feel at our lowest and loneliest, that we watch them and feel out live resonate with the character crying in the rain, so lost in love?
There's that age old question - Do I like this guy or do I just like the attention I receiving from him? Now, I'm not saying liking the attention is a bad thing. I've grown up with exceptionally (but unacceptable) low self-esteem. I've had people bully me and throw rocks at me, all whilst they shouted 'don't hit the fit one' as my 'friend' walked beside me feeling nothing but air on her back. I won't lie to you, when men give me attention now, I revel in it. I have to be careful though, because the last thing I want to do is lead a man on. That is unfair, of course. However, many times, friends of mine have mistaken my friendship for me wanting something more, and have stopped talking to me when I have requested platonic relationships. I do not like losing friends like that, and of course, no woman owes any man anything sexually, and vice versa. All this madness left me confused and angry over relationships. Do I want one or do I not want the hassle? Kinda want kisses for breakfast, kinda don't want to give anyone the power to hurt me.
When I was around 18, my axe swung towards casual sex (excuse the rather vulgar pun). Any psychologist could tell you that promiscuity is an attempt to try and validate ones self, to feel a sense of freedom. I never felt this way. It always made me cringe afterwards, knowing that a stranger had seen me naked and heard the noises I made without knowing so much as my second name. Eventually, I found someone who I felt comfortable with - a friend with benefits. This is where things got complicated. This guy had a girlfriend when I first met him, a girlfriend he didn't tell me about. By the time I had left university and moved back home, he got into a relationship again, with the same girl. It was in 2014 that I found my own boyfriend, and was asked by my ex FWB if I wanted to meet for sex again. Is love really that dead? I've never understood how anyone could proclaim their love for another person when they don't mean it. Whats the point? The FWB told me that he's happy relationship wise, but he's 'addicted to sex'. Surely, there are better ways to handle this that doesn't involve hurting another persons feelings.
With Fifty Shades of Gray coming out soon, I thought it kind of appropriate to talk about sex and relationships. I myself have a degree in English literature, and so refused to pick up the book, but there are many reasons I could give as to why it seems abusive. In 2013, my trust in men went downwards, when a guy, who I knew had a crush on me (he had drunkenly professed his love for me several times to the point of crying and getting angry), did something vile to me while I was asleep after a night out with the house. Could there be that much of a difference between love and obsession? When will the justice system recognise it clearly? This snippet from an article I read explains it clearly. It happens a lot, yet a lot of girls never report it because they feel they won't be believed. They feel in danger of humiliation.
So my mother told me my time would come, and it has. I am in a relationship now with someone I trust. Love is a battlefield, so much is it so, that I find myself writing about it, now, at 22, which is something I never thought I'd do. Opportunities often come with canon fire, which I guess is why I took the plunge into a relationship, and I am enjoying it. A lot of people think all those romantic movies and love scenes are bullshit, I know, I'm one of them. Then why is it, that when we feel at our lowest and loneliest, that we watch them and feel out live resonate with the character crying in the rain, so lost in love?
